Mormon Musings: Grace, Glory & Girlfriends

Choices

2008-09-23T15:05:00.003-04:00

A couple days ago, I had a very unusual realization. Life is only as good as we allow it to be. Sure, I've heard my mom say that for years... but I hadn't let it hit home till now. I suppose I should have known it because I enjoy being happy and I have my bad days when I feel like being grumpy or letting something bother me. But it never really hit home till I realized that those around me that are miserable are choosing to be miserable. It's a horrid thing to say, i am sure, but it's true nonetheless.
At a difficult point in LDS history the revelation was given to "be of good cheer" (Doctrine and Covenants 78:18). The Lord is on our side. He loves us, and cares for His people. He knows them by name, and loves us enough to lay down his life for us.
I am reminded of the revelation given to Joseph Smith while in Liberty Jail "The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?" If he, even Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was humble enough to be baptized to fulfill all righteousness, if he was humble enough to have accusing hands cross his face, if he was humble enough to wear that crown of thorns while being mocked, then I too, will carry my cross of humility... to acknowledge that I am nothing, that I am weak, that I need a Savior. Someone to lift me up when I find it hard to forgive... to strengthen me when I have erred, to protect me from the world which tears away self esteem, self respect, and all things holy and pure.
I need a Savior to know my weaknesses that I might be strong. I need a Savior to listen to me when no one is there. I need a Savior to lift me when my burdens crush me to my knees.
I suppose it is that knowledge that allows me, on a day to day basis, to smile, and to find occasions to be happy... and lighthearted. Crap still happens. But I will not allow myself to be a pessimist when there is such an outpouring of the Holy Spirit in our midst.
Again, I state "Life is only as good as we allow it to be". I choose to have a great one. I am choosing, day to day, to see the blessings that the Lord has given me... and I will never have to fear. A thought given to me by my sister- if we have a light, we aren't going to put it under a bushel, we arent going to hid it! But when we have that light, it lights up the whole house. If we arent letting it shine, then we haven't lit our candle yet! I am going to rededicate my life so that my candle will shine and those around me will see the light of Christ in my actions and in my speech. I will let my light shine so that other will see that LIFE IS GOOD!

Adventure!

2008-08-22T13:18:00.002-04:00

I'm just getting back into the swing of things, and thought that I would take a moment to post. Wow, life is quite the adventure.. is it not? I am always surprised by the way things turn out, or I should say that I am never surprised that I am always surprised! :) It's a constant reminder that I really dont know what is best for me, and what I truly want. All that I do know, is that life should be taken one day at a time.

Girlfriends

2008-05-29T22:54:00.002-04:00

I don't think I've ever realized how wonderful it is to have good friends. I don't think I knew how to be a friend- Slowly I'm learning. I can remember a time when I didn't feel like I had any friends. I had been at BYU for a semester and it was our last "ward prayer" (a Sunday night ritual in College Wards). Everyone was hugging and saying good-bye and I looked around feeling utterly miserable, lonely, and out of place. I don't think a single person noticed me walk away and go back to my apartment.
In those days, I would have been mortified to call someone up and invite them to go and do something. Funny how we can change.
Before I even got to Maryland last year, I started praying for a friend.
I was blessed to find Mindie, a true Anne of Green Gables bosom friend.
I prayed for a friend, and tonight I found myself surrounded by a multitude of friends- true friends- and I felt such a love and gratitude for each one of them and for the blessings of friendship.
I think back on different times in my life when I've felt isolated, and socially inept and insecure. I wish I would have had the confidence to be a friend rather than worrying about not having friends.

So, THANK YOU, Girlfriends. I love you.

Legacies

2008-05-27T17:19:00.000-04:00

Biographies were due for the Baker Family Reunion newsletter. With them we were asked to choose one or two words to sum up our ancestor and their avocation. Some were easy; Writer, Doctor, Forester and Real estate developer, Professor, Scientist, Revolutionary….But I was having a very difficult time with my great grandmother Florence. Even after compiling all the impressive biographical information, when it came to the descriptive title, I have to admit I was stymied. It had to be remarkable… after all Florence was a remarkable woman. I pondered the possibilities as I once again looked over her long list of accomplishments; …She was an avid conservationist, consummate volunteer and philanthropist. Having graduated in 1915 with a BA from Carlton College, she went on to study advanced ecology and nursing. She taught Sunday school and was the director of music for her church and choir. During WWI she worked tirelessly on relief efforts with the Red Cross and later the American Cancer Society. In 1920 by necessity, her lovely old home became in part the hospital for the growing small town. Florence by default became the hospitals first administrator, bookkeeper, nursing charge, dietician, housekeeper, and laundress -all the while raising 10 children, four of her own and six left to her by family members. Later the huge manor home was razed so that Florence and her husband Dr. Jake Reigel could donate the land to become the first regional hospital. She never seemed to tire…she never complained…and she never quit. She often said “the work that we do, is the rent that we pay.”

Considering her numerous accomplishments, I rolled the possible contenders off my tongue…Teacher? Yes she was a Teacher, and a Mother, and a Leader and Community Activist. … Conservationist? Hospital Administrator? Volunteer ? Nothing seemed to quite fit the level of grandness I attributed to her. She was possibly the most lovely self-sacrificing, hard working person I had ever known. Her entire life was spent serving others. Hmm…Servant?
Merriam-Webster: ser·vant \ˈsər-vənt\ noun: one that serves others.

Well it fit, but how droll it sounded. In a family of illustrious people, how could I label this remarkable woman with such an unremarkable title? What would people think? Worse, what would my illustrious family think of the moniker I’d chosen for our matriarch. I knew immediately it was simply out of the question and so I returned to my thesaurus…there just had to be a better word to use. But there wasn’t. The deadline came and went and resigned, I settled for “Teacher, Volunteer” …still unremarkable yet perhaps more acceptable. It was late. I emailed in my final draft and went to bed.

Days passed and I couldn’t help but think that somehow I’d settled, compromised… perhaps even sold out. I was still distracted and more than a little annoyed now by the entire thing. How unfair I thought…to ask me to sum up an entire lifetime of accomplishments, great works and achievements like that….a legacy in one or two ill-fitting words. But that is what we do I suppose. I sigh and it suddenly occurs to me; will my descendants someday sit and stew over the cliff notes of my life? My legacy? How will I be remembered?
Cathryn Elise Aubuchon Jones: Mortgage Broker, Lackadaisical artist, Working-mother, Reluctant primary teacher…. I shudder at the thought….at my legacy. My mind tumbles over all my other accomplishments and I wish not for the first time this week that I was more like Florence… …More like the servant she was. Somehow servant no longer seems like such a lowly title. My thoughts drift toward Christ. In all His Glory how would I sum up His legacy…Jesus Christ, Son of God “Servant and Savior.” To love and serve; isn’t that what Christ taught? Perhaps that was the point all along and I’ll bet my Great Grandmother knew that. Humbled, suddenly there seems no greater aspiration – no nobler cause -no grander legacy. Florence Irene Baker Reigel: Servant.

Orders

2008-05-16T22:12:00.002-04:00

To a military family, one word sums up a whole life of changes: ORDERS. Nate got his orders. Orders are official, set in stone, unyielding.

I was just beginning to think that by some change of mind in some distant chain of command, that Nate may not have to go.

I was thinking that the reason we hadn't heard anything for two weeks was because maybe they were trying to negotiate a different plan...

I was thinking today, before I heard the news, that never in my whole life had I lived anywhere long enough to really have to FINISH anything. I've always been provided a Fresh Start. I moved at the end of elementary school. In middle school because of district dynamics and changes in the boundaries, I got fresh starts with new friends and new opportunities. I moved my Junior year of high school. I transfered schools in college three times and switched apartments at the same college as well.

I realized that as soon as we got word of the possibility of Nate deploying, I started into the "as soon as" syndrome. I'll start exercising as soon as I move to Cedar and join the gym. I'll get my kids back on their routines as soon as we settle in. I'll .....

And here we go again. Another move. Another Fresh Start. Another adjustment.

Am I running? From my responsibilities? From my calling? From the kitchen ants that are preparing their ranks for a massive invasion?

This is my path I guess.

Water

2008-05-13T00:13:00.003-04:00

When I was little, I was deathly afraid of the water. Unpredictable, powerful, mercurial and mysterious. I suppose it came from living so close to the bay and its many moods. Some mornings I’d wake and the water was calm - clear and smooth as glass. I could see my toes in the shallows and chase minnows in the tidal pools. Some mornings it angrily slapped at the rocks along the beach, driving driftwood like refugees high onto the cliff. Some mornings it rose menacingly and flung itself almost to the door of our house, leaving foam and seashells in the hydrangeas. When I was very little having awakened from one of my various tidal disasters, I would climb the stairs to my parent’s room, crawl onto their bed and slip my hand silently into my fathers. I hardly ever woke them, for I knew if I did, they would carry me back to my own room in short order. But somehow just knowing they where there made it all okay.

I’m still afraid of the water. During the difficult times in my life, though the waves no longer taunt the edge of my lawn, they do my dreams. I can always tell when I’m about at capacity for stress or drama by the saturation of my dreams….when I was small my dreams were full of tidal waves...now it varies. The last few nights it’s been floods. Now I know that literally having 3 inches of water in my newly waterproofed basement isn’t helping any…but I also know it’s not completely to blame either. Fear is. And fear is not always a rational thing. A scripture in Psalms reads “The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life’ of whom shall I be afraid?” (Ps. 27:1) Very valid questions if you ask me. Father of mine…Creator of land and sky and sea…I know thou art with me, so why am I so afraid?

Now I’ve read a hundred times in a hundred different places that fear is lack of faith. Yet I think it’s better said that fear begs to be answered by faith. For it is in that single act of courage….of acting in spite of ourselves that God gives us the opportunity to “keep” our faith. Faith requires courage; it requires keeping even when our fear speaks to the contrary. When the trials of our daily storms do not testify of Peace, when our frailties and imperfections do not speak of Glory, when our failings and fears do not whisper of Redemption…but we do. We do in spite of.

At 3am I’m still awake with wet feet from the floods and tidal waves of my dreams and basement –bills and responsibilities - my stepmom's chemotherapy – death and loss and the unknown, - being alone -not having the answers, the strength, the courage, the grace.
I lift my chin and my fears I bundle like a blanket and courageously deposit at His feet. Like the child I once was I seek the comfort of my Heavenly Fathers hand –and as I bow my head He whispers …“Fear not, for I am with thee…”

Come Unto Me

2008-05-10T08:41:00.003-04:00

Good morning ladies!
I really enjoyed reading the last post. I am surprised at how much it applied to me. You always inspire me to be better and work harder. I dont know what I would have done without you when we moved here. I am definitely in a lull at the moment... my house is always dirty... my husband doesnt like his job, and my kids are going crazy in such a small living area (thank goodness its almost always nice outside these days). Too many appointments to go to, too much grocery shopping to be done...
You know, this reminds me of an Ensign talk a few years back about spinning plates... if you only spin one then the other plates will fall off the poles (anyone remember that one??). Well, my life is like that... maybe i'm only spinning the "self" plate. Or the "pity me" plate :) One thing is for sure, I need to spend many more hours in prayer. This has been a hard time for me, and although I have had lots of fun too, and my life has been enriched by blessings, I have been trying to do everything by myself. I have need to repent and start anew! Thats what I love so much about repentance... there is such a peace afterward. The atonement is so real, that I can literally feel the strengthening hand of my Savior lift me up. Its just as he professes "Come unto me... my burden is light" Matthew 11:28-30 Another part of that scripture that I love is "learn of me" and then he adds that HE is meek and lowly in heart. I believe that he means- learn about me, follow my example in ALL things, i am meek, be meek, repent, rid yourself of pride, ask the Father to be more like I am (or in other words take my name upon you... as we promise to do when we are baptized) and then you will have my yoke, which is easy to bare.. its light and pleasant. The Lords Yoke is easy, because you arent in it alone. He is yoked with you. He is lifting as well... sigh. What a peaceful promise! Another week to try, another week to move up that "spiritual escalator", one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. I feel that I should end by testifying that I know Jesus Christ lives! He rose on the third day, as is proclaimed in the Holy Scriptures. He is my savior and my example. I know of his influence and strength in my life. In his name I testify of these things.

Insanity of Uncertainty

2008-05-09T08:04:00.002-04:00

Its been a week since we got word of Nate's possible deployment. We haven't heard anything since then. I feel like my life is on hold- Like I can't make plans one way or another until we know for sure. Yesterday a feeling of depression set in. I wasn't feeling motivated any more. The envigorating sense of purpose that has sustained me all week had left and I just felt nothing. When Nate came home and said he still hadn't gotten any more info, I couldn't smile, or cry or anything.
What Nate does know is that his command is still fighting for him not to go. Maybe that's why he hasn't gotten more info. That gives us some reason to hope that he may not have to be deployed. The funny thing is that I have been gearing myself up so much mentally and emotionally for all the changes that will occur if he does go, that either answer we get sounds like a depressing option to me. Is that terrible?
This morning I felt the need to repent, so I wrote in my journal and then I knelt in prayer and just told Heavenly Father what I was feeling- my frustrations. I tried to repent for being kind of a slug the last few days and not really paying attention to my kids, or doing anything productive, or thinking of anyone else. All of my behavior the past few days has been exactly what my talk that I wrote was discouraging- being in survival mode :)
As I was finishing my prayer, I thought of the advice that I was going to give to the congregation in my Sacrament talk- to pray for those that you visit teach- and I started praying for one person in particular. Interesting that as I did so, the dark cloud sort of lifted.
I actually finished the Book of Mormon yesterday. As I was trying to figure out what to read for my scripture study today, I pulled out my Relief Society handbook. As I was reading about the history and the purpose of Relief Society, I was struck by how well the ideas that I'd been having about the needs of our sisters and what we should do, really coincided perfectly with what the Lord intends for the Relief Society.
I truly am grateful for the opportunities that have been provided me. I feel like there is a purpose for me in my ward, but I also think that the Lord knew that this calling would keep me from being completely depressed during this period of uncertainty.

Stalling

2008-05-07T07:44:00.002-04:00

So, how am I doing with the news of my husband leaving? Right now we're waiting for more info, but all this may take place sooner than we ever imagined. The person that my husband is "filling in" for has had orders since Jan. or Feb. He reported to the pre-deployment training in Kansas in April. After he had started the training, he was told that he was not qualified to go because of his knee. They had to scramble to find someone else and Nate was it.

We haven't gotten a definitive timeline, but I have a feeling that they are going to want him there as soon as possible. We've been talking about what we'll do.

This is sort of my finals week for my graduate classes. I have several projects due. Nate has looked forward to the end of classes because he's tired of living in a stye, but as soon as this week is over, I'll be starting my new calling and we'll be packing up to go.

The Calling-

I know that it is inspired, and I feel I have a clear and specific purpose, even if it is brief. A talk has been going through my mind and I got most of it written in my journal over the past couple of days.

I feel like I need to visit some of the inactive and less active sisters and conduct visiting teaching interviews. I feel like I need to get the ball rolling for some enrichment groups and activities, and I feel like I need to inspire the sisters to do better in their visiting teaching efforts. That's probably about all I can do in two or three weeks:)

In the meantime, I have a house to clean, I have paintings to paint, kids to feed, dishes to do, moving to plan.....

sighhhhhh......

My kids need me. One is crying over some tragedy and the other is yelling "BOOOGERS" meaning he wants me to wipe his nose.

Time to get back to reality.

Love

2008-05-05T15:31:00.005-04:00

It’s Monday, which means I have sooooo much work to do and I don’t really know where to start. I want to rewind a day and crawl into a sunbeam on a blanket in my yard and watch my boys chase robins and each other. Instead I’m going to crawl mentally back to the stark neon of my office and a very long and assorted to do list …I really don’t want to, but I will because I know I should. Sometimes it really is that simple.

Amidst the blessings, and the challenges, the opportunities for growth, and the sunbeam filled Sabbaths; so much of what I do – I do because I should. Not because my heart is filled at all times with Joy at the prospect of doing dishes, or serving others, of giving up my time, of rolling up my sleeves -Not because I am an extraordinary person that is particularly obedient, thoughtful, unselfish, or enamored of play dough and housework… But rather I do what I should because I love –

-My Husband, My Children, My Friends and My Father in Heaven- For them I am committed to doing the best that I can, as often as I can- even if I do so at times with a slightly grumbly heart.

Oh I pray for compassion, and unselfishness, and a heart for the callings and responsibilities that I have…I pray for my boss and my clients, and I pray for those with whom I serve and for those who are in my care. And sometimes I am blessed and uplifted by an amazing spirit that I know is not my own…but you know…sometimes I’m not. Sometimes it’s all I can do to get through the day. I feel worn and less than holy. I drag myself to my knees before I crawl utterly exhausted into bed at night…and there instead of pondering my blessings I sit wondering how can I possibly get up and do it all over again tomorrow.

But I will. Because I love.

A bitter cup I remember. It’s amazing what we do for love. But knowing that, I find it even more amazing, what that Love has done for us

The Temple

2008-05-05T09:23:00.004-04:00

Ah, the temple! There is nowhere I would rather be. I love the temple!
I have always known that there are seasons in my life. That I will enjoy good times, and make it through hard times. I just wasn't ready for the stressful times. But, oh the temple! Its my reset button, my start over chance. I haven't been able to attend the temple in a while (having just had our third baby), and haven't been in for initiatories in quite a while (5 years or so), I was struck by the power of those words. As I listened to the promises given my heart was filled. I need that extra strength in my life so bad. But more than that, I needed to hear the words. I needed to be reminded that the Lord does love me, individually, me. I always think about the story in the New Testament when our risen Lord, not yet ascended to the Father, spoke to Mary in the garden. Just as Mary sought the Savior, so do I. Weeping, I seek his counsel, his love and attention. And always, i feel that comforting sentiment "Mary"(John 20:14-17) And just as Mary recognized immediately the voice of Jesus Christ, so do I. I feel the warmth of His love, the easiness of his burden. The temple always helps to remind me who i really am, and what I am really doing in my life and why. I love the gospel. I always seem to be at peace when I think of my Savior. I know He lives, and that He knows me. I know that He cares for me, and wants me to follow His counsel.

The News

2008-05-04T08:07:00.000-04:00

So, on Wednesday, I had been called as Relief Society President of my ward. On Thursday I had a wonderful inspiring day. I went to the temple and then to our stake enrichment night- I felt renewed, uplifted, and ready to serve and make a difference in my ward. On Friday I got the news.

My husband is being deployed. MY HUSBAND IS BEING DEPLOYED.

WHAT!?!?!

Deployed- Leaving in July- For nine months- To Afghanistan

This isn't supposed to happen. I just got an important calling. I have wonderful friends here. My children are doing well and have adjusted here. I'm having a baby in six months. My children are still so little.

My husband has been working his tail off in a terrible job that is totally stressful- He's been doing a fabulous job- But his biggest consolation has been, "Well, I guess I can handle this job as long as I get to be here with my family and not out there."

His job was supposed to be a non-deploying position. None of the other flight surgeons that have been here have deployed from here in the past.

But I guess when you sign up for the military you become government property. There are NO guarantees, and there's always a risk that you'll be deployed.

I'm probably going to move to my parents' house for the duration of his deployment.

I talked to the Bishop about it and we both feel that is still ok to go ahead with the calling, even if it is a very temporary situation.

On Friday night, I was a little bit of a basket case-

But right now I have a sense of peace and calm. I know that my life is in God's hands and that whatever happens- Things will work out. THINGS WILL WORK OUT.

To Begin

2008-05-04T07:31:00.000-04:00

On Wednesday night my husband and I met with the Bishop. I had no doubt that we were there for a new calling for me. I had been in the nursery for about nine months- I'd been feeling a lot of inspiration about a new calling. I'd been thinking about the needs of the ward, more specifically, the needs of the sisters in the ward. I'd even felt inspired to start writing a talk a couple of weeks ago.

So the call came. Relief Society President. I almost told the Bishop, "I thought you'd never ask." The counsel of the Brethren is to not overload young mothers with too much (I have a four year old, and almost two year old, and one on the way)- so I think the Bishopric had resisted issuing the call. The Bishop said they had been trying different options and getting nowhere until they listened to the Spirit. I really had been feeling that I was meant to be in that calling for a while now, so it was almost a relief.

Thursday was a great day. Some of the other gals in my ward had talked about making a temple trip. On Wednesday we just decided to go for it, so we met Thursday morning in a shopping center parking lot and away we went. I put my kids in my friend's van with her kids and had one of the people that I visit teach and her baby with me. I went to the temple first and the other two moms in minivans loaded with kids went to one of their father-in-law's house. He's not really there right now, and lives less than 5 miles from the temple.

The gal that came with me wasn't endowed yet, so she took her baby to the vistitor's center and I went in to do some initiatories.

There is such a special feeling in the temple. It is peaceful and beautiful and everyone seems happy. It was a beautiful day- Tons of flowers at the temple. It was a little overcast with a little drizzle here and there, so the colors of spring were lovely.

There's something about ititiatories that is so reassuring and strengthening. I haven't done them for a long time and it was really exactly what I needed.

We headed back to a crazy house full of wild little boys and three nursing babies. We tried to keep them from damaging any property or hurting each other while the other two moms went to the temple. It was a long day, but very worth it.

I came home to a collasal disaster of a mess. That morning my minivan had been filled almost to the ceiling in junk- I cleaned it out and vaccumed it before we left, but that meant that I came home to a pile of junk, almost to the ceiling in the entryway of my house. Not to mention every puzzle and every action figure in the house strewn across the living room- along with pieces of board games, crumbs and food, diapers, scraps of paper, markers and crayons, library books. It really did look like a tornado had hit it.

My older son had fallen asleep in the van, so I moved him to his bed. My younger one woke up, but he's a little bit more easily entertained, so he played while I cleaned.

Its funny that I had intended to clean up the living room for days before Thursday. I even had days where I didn't have many other obligations, but I never seemed to bring myself around to tackling the mess- And here it was late in the afternoon after a very long day and I was exhausted- and I had stake enrichement that I was going to that evening- but I was finally able to tackle the mess. That's the power of the temple.